Second Thought....

I had never thought of giving a second thought to my life. As I grew up like most of the female homosapiens do, things of physical, metaphysical and vocabulary sense of thoughts did rise, ring and knock in my bittersweet migraines in my head what is called the precise place of brain and thoughts of homosapiens. It never really matters how I am different from my fellow specimens. So description of a proper woman (female) is simply absurd and weird, at least for me. On grounds of whatever you say I know I am a woman. Either this terminology sucks or this is what a woman is. It must have been noticed by many people irrespective of sex that females are named or forcefully forced to follow males either is terminology or in thoughts and of course in activities. This can be easily noticed that “woman” the word has been derived from the word “man”, “female” has been derived from “male”. Before being called a feminist I agree I am weak and don’t want to stand against men and thereby I preserve my feminism. Anyways before you deviate towards woman congress or HumTum flirts I would like to say that in some point of time of a woman’s life that I was leading I did realize that I was incomplete only being a woman. I don’t know whether I was really weak to accept the defeat but for sure I am not now. I may have accepted the defeat but I have not let my opponents snatch the ball yet. You can say it is a tie. Though at the results of the match I don’t panic now; there was a time I did panic at ties. I never thought of losing. Breaking all my hopes and aspirations of winning I was forced by my conscience to think of or rather give a Second thought to my life.


When I was in kindergarten it never really mattered to me that there are another types of kids called “boys”. When I grew up basically from a well off background I did realize that their fists are stronger than our and they are too important on this earth. It was not late before I realized that it is the Males who actually run the society. But I did think that we were too important although didn’t know in what way. Passing through teenage I faced similar mental traumas that almost all females suffer in their teens. So I learnt, experienced and faced what others of my age did. If I keep my feminism to myself and won’t be frank then I would say that I never thought of guys during my teen age. I don’t think I am mad or I do have a poor IQ. Even the other way biologically I was still a female in my teens.

Then I met him. You may think that after teen age everybody is quite learnt. But I won’t give a damn to your thoughts, because life for me is a learning process. I know most of the people will agree to it that we do learn up to the last breath of our life. Anyways those days I learnt of my opponent, my enemy, his strength. I felt chocked to learn of the force that forced me to give a Second thought. I was no more a princess in my own eyes. I began to loose. I never thought I would be dismantled and shattered in my life. My ego buried melting my sedimentary personality. It was a sort of new life. Quite soon I realized I was enjoying it. I was happy. My family always gave me whatever I wanted to be happy; he gave me whatever I needed without which I could never be happy. I simply lost the battle which I supposedly didn’t mean to create. I had never thought a guy can be like this.

After being given facial indications expecting vocabulary statements and questions was just out of the world for me. I don’t know how much maximum would have been my fellow specimens reacted to that differently. I tried my best to get rid of him by my sweet but insensible words. Now I think how could he listen to those insensible words for the next half an hour and how could I growl out them in my supposedly sweet voice. My feet never tried to run then though they can help me in locomotion all the time. May be the saying “Whatever happens, happens for the best” is still precise. I never thought it this way then. I thought there is no deal in an insane behavior of mine. Anyways I had to continue my insane behavior for two days and he started flirting with me. “I am not going to pursue you and I will not ask your name and address or phone number” – This was his first dialogue I was amazed to listen before I learnt that he only had amazing dialogues inside his brain. It was those words and the vocal chords inside him that kept my eyes always wide open after being sensed by my brain from the signal from ear. For the first time in my life my eyes didn’t twinkled in Six seconds interval. He was crazy.

By two days I never mean 48 hours it was just two and half hours that we really talked. For the first time in my life I noticed that there were 9000 seconds in 2 and half hours. I am quite sure I breathed more than 72 breaths per minute that day. My insanity didn’t find any reason to not to talk to him about something that seldom mattered me. So I asked about his whereabouts and career. Those were much simple except that were expressed in the most incoherent language with respect to me. Without even spending a single day with requirement of necessities it took me some time to grasp the importance of those things in his life. I felt bad for my idea of private entertainment. My insanity went beyond levels. I was confused of my mind which seriously told me to feel secure at his presence. I didn’t know what I should do. As oxygen levels in my brain began to decrease and calories too reduced. I realized that I was hungry. I asked him out to a restaurant. Before I could realize that I was on a said-to-be date I started eating my food. His hesitation was only because of absence of green papers in his wallets. I realized later. Dosa still tasted the same although I always hated chillied chatnis. Before I can tell that I need some water there was a bottle of water in front of me. My new body guard had a good sense of understanding body language. If he had some money I am sure he would have bought me some cokes. Anyways I was satisfied with my dosa. My entire ego went down when I had to pay for both of us. I had never thought that I will pay for a guy. That was a pretty cool and unplanned DATE. Ohh My God. I was scared to think of my mother who would beat me for eating dosa with a guy. Anyways I was succumbing. All I needed was glucose. But I got a lot more things. For a moment I thought about him. He looked different. I was succumbing to the twister. I saw a direct example of expression of views in facial and physical expressions rather than putting exercise on vocal chords though the later one sang all of world’s philosophy and happiness in its monotonous baritone. I surely was succumbing. Till date I have never had seen such a movie or read such a story. The most interesting part of it was that it was happening with me. “Is he the one I am supposed to ……” this thought never left me. I was no more trying to avoid him. I was enjoying. The only persons I was trying to avoid then were my friend and his new boy friend who were circum ambulating me just to show their care for a girl who was succumbing to the monster- the female hypnotizer. I got rid of them when the so called “my-enemy” told them that he is a good old friend of mine. “How dare he tell a lie?” this thought didn’t forced my brain as whatever happened was for the good. I was no more waiting for the postponed scheduled bus for rourkela because of which I was getting unimaginable happiness of my life for the first time. Now my subconscious mind wanted to delay the bus few more hours so that I can convince myself that he was the one. Though I never believed in destiny I always enjoy of its surprises. “Is he really the one whom I will love?” this thought again cracked me. His physical strength was good enough to pull over any other guy as I thought then. Not Bad… I thought. Average height, brown/black eyes, uncombed hair, and brown coloured. It was pretty obvious that he had a heart of a woman. He cared for me, trusted me and protected me although without any external attack. For a second or two I felt like resting myself in his arms. I was feeling sleepy I suppose. It was already 8.25pm and my bus was there. I had to go no matter how much I liked him then. I still hadn’t introduced myself to him. I knew that he had deciphered me but we need names and addresses to contact in this world. Nobody will listen if you say I want to go to a good man. I needed his address and he should have asked mine. Anyways my feminism again killed me. I couldn’t ask him his address although I had his number. Anyways…. Let’s See. The only thing I was expecting from him was his questions about my name and my address. I got totally disappointed when I heard some contradicting consolations. “Well I might tell you that I will not miss you and wont remember you ….. but human mind is too fickle…. I cant guarantee that …. But don’t care about these as I can in now way contact you …… Bye…. Hope you will never meet me in future”. I felt terrible. All was going to end before any beginning. It was one of the shortest love stories I had ever heard. Again the
interesting thing was that this was happening with me. I fell in love. I lost. I received a best ever good bye from anybody in the whole world. But all my notions vapourized. I was forced give a second thought to my life. I was too sad.

If I were told that we would make a couple exactly a year later I would have jumped of the bus in excitement. But whatever happened was for the best. Still I don’t realize that I had other thoughts for my life. I never thought then that we are going to be life long partners. After four years of that bus station incident I am all young and more mature, obsessed and pregnant with his love. I still wonder how wonderful people can be and how weirdly wonderful is he.Four years haven’t brought any change in his philosophy though mine was shattered in love.